To work hard and be acknowledged for it is wonderful. I treat each client with courtesy and respect, I sit down and speak with them when I have time before I wash their hair & I treat every kind of personality with a three minute massage. I’ve been told by over ten clients that I’ve given the best shampoo in the 30 years they’ve been coming to our salon. I go the extra mile for my manager. I help out with purchasing products in my free time & I keep everything clean. I keep on top of everything. The laundry is always folded as close to perfect as I can make it. Every towel I shoot for better, every shampoo I shoot for better. No matter how many times the stylists tell me that they respect, appreciate and trust everything I do, I always want to do better. My manager surprised me by talking to the corporate office and giving me a raise before salon assistants are eligible for one. The corporate office appreciates my work. It’s amazing they even know much about any of the cactus employees. The lady who does the paychecks tips me $20 every time I wash her hair. I’ve never felt so appreciated. It makes me so happy to wash someone’s hair and put them to sleep. It makes me happy that the head of the franchise can trust me and appreciates what I do. I can’t explain how much I love my job. I walk into work every day and I’m greeted with warm welcomes and hellos. I never want that to change.
What the fuck am i doing with my life? I’m not a good artist. I’m not going to make it anywhere. I can’t spend my entire life doing hair. I don’t have money to go away to college. I don’t know what else I want to do. School bores me. I want to live near the city and have nights out. I get along only with art students. I only have a tolerance for people who’s heads aren’t up in the clouds. I’m probably going to spend my whole life figuring out what I want to be when I “grow up.”
So rumor is going around that me and the other assistant have some sort of beef. News to me. She’s lazy and if something isn’t done right i’m going to say something and ask her to do it right before she leaves. It’s work & i don’t going around talking about how my dad passed away and i’m so upset and bla bla bla nobody would even know if i didn’t get asked about my tattoo when i wear a low cut shirt. I’m not going to sit there and baby your issues, so be a grown woman, get your work done and shut up. I’d like to know what you’ve said to the other stylists who are telling me that i have beef with you.
you could say hey how are you? good thanks how is the laundry coming.. do you need help? …. but it really goes like ….. hey i’m having a bad day today so i’m going to chat with the other stylists and leave early please forgive me i’ll work harder a different day and by the way you forgot to sweep the hair from james’ station last night.
if someone doesn’t do something correctly i will talk to them and show them how to correctly do it… but it has reached a point where i’ve begun telling the manager how much of a fuck up she is.
clearly i’m bothered. i’m a laid back person and i seriously can’t avoid her & i’m going to have to learn to deal with her.
I fell deeply in lust with someone I never should have gotten involved with from the beginning. I thought he was weird. I didn’t think he had anything going for him to begin with. I didn’t know what we were taking steps towards. I was more naive than I’ve since learned. I met his family, we had dinner.
Then he kissed me. I had never been kissed like that in my life. He left me breathless and all I wanted was more of him. I tried to stop him from taking it further regardless of how badly I wanted him. His mom offered me wine and it unfortunately happened to be really good wine and he was able to get me in bed as soon as we got up to his room. Yes, he’s 26 and lives with his mother.
He was successful after high school.. he worked at a higher end apple store in Manhattan as one of the bigger men there. He worked with his best friend. They had an apartment together where both of their girlfriends also lived with them. As i recall, I believe he lost his job somehow which led to him going out to a bar with his best friend’s girl. That led to them back at the apartment fucking. So, his career ended, he lost his best friend and his girlfriend. Not to mention he claimed he was a shitty boyfriend to her & probably wanted more control & she must not have wanted that. That’s my assumption on why he didn’t “treat her right.” So now he associates success with them, and them with success. He’s been miserable and despite what he says he’s done and going to do, I’ve seen no initiative.
At the beginning of my little infatuation period I asked him if he wanted a relationship, it was always yes. He never took action. I was an immature little girl and I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me. I thought it was me. I thought I was doing something wrong. I tried everything. Which led to me realizing that it was him. I grew up a little and i asked him what the deal was and when I saw no more initiative and his selfishness became louder to me I cut myself off from opening up to him to save me emotional stress. I just wanted to fuck him a little longer with an irrational hope that maybe he would change his mind. Then we could spend so much more time in bed. I enjoyed every moment discussing our mutual interest for hiphop, basketball, good music, art, movies, shows, politics, video games and everything.. I wanted to sit back with him and drink OE or scotch whiskey, gamble against his friends, then passionately fuck each other until we pass out followed ideally by coffee & sex the next morning. But that’s not the key to a good relationship. I’m getting off topic.
It bothered him that I had closed myself off and he decided to express his emotions like he cared about me or something.. when i asked him what he wanted he even admitted he was a child and he didn’t want to be with me. Then he proceeded to ask me to open up to him like a selfish little child. I told him no way. The next day I told him we shouldn’t know each other anymore and that i hope he lives up to his potential soon. I’m better than waiting around.
Truth is I genuinely cared about him. He’s opened up to me. I know all of his bad habits. How he always has to be right. How he’s really a hopeless romantic. How he feels about his father and how he loves his mother. I know about his family, I know about his friends, i know his feelings and a lot about him. I know his love for women and i know his games. When you know someone like that and you still go back to them, it’s hard not to care about them.
I’ve never been held like that. I’ve never been kissed like that or fucked like that. I’ve never been touched like that. I’m addicted and i just want to be over it.
I’d like to give myself 3 months. But I’m not putting a time limit on it.
FOR THE RECORD
do I need to smack someone for you!
haha hey miss
Why are you sad the knicks won
i know im haapy about that melo with 50 was awesome
i was thinking about life before when i said i was sad
so am i just likea weird occasional lover to you?
what am i to you?
I suppose.. I’d say I consider you a friend though… What am I to you?
one fo the most confusing parts of my life
i care about you so much more than you gave me room to
im ok with everything
its just that im drunk and had to ask
i think your such and amazing person , but sometime i think your confused or lost with what you want or should be doing
your way too good to ever give me what you do
Are you considering a relationship
i dont know what im geting at
but i do believe that what you deserve
you have kinds of changed so much since i met you
and sometimes i worry
thats your lost and making crazy decisions
how? give an example
It’s difficult for me to interact with the people I want to interact with. I’ve never liked people who aren’t better than me. I only take interest in people who I believe have more going than I do. But I’m insecure. I’m usually intimidated by those people. It usually ends up awkward. Friends are hard to come by. Especially since I’m so picky with even classifying people as a possibility once I talk to them. And unfortunately, I judge by appearance. I like certain style. It kind of has to reflect myself. I tell you it’s difficult, but i’m trying. I’ll let you know how it turns out.
I’m thinking about writing to you every day. I’ll free my feelings so i’m not holding them in, I’ll cry while I write, I’ll laugh while I write & I’ll share my emotions with you while I write.
Everything I’m about to share with you is everything I most likely may not have shared with anybody, ever.
I may be contradicting myself there. But I don’t think that matters & I don’t care about being judged by you.