I fell deeply in lust with someone I never should have gotten involved with from the beginning. I thought he was weird. I didn’t think he had anything going for him to begin with. I didn’t know what we were taking steps towards. I was more naive than I’ve since learned. I met his family, we had dinner.
Then he kissed me. I had never been kissed like that in my life. He left me breathless and all I wanted was more of him. I tried to stop him from taking it further regardless of how badly I wanted him. His mom offered me wine and it unfortunately happened to be really good wine and he was able to get me in bed as soon as we got up to his room. Yes, he’s 26 and lives with his mother.
He was successful after high school.. he worked at a higher end apple store in Manhattan as one of the bigger men there. He worked with his best friend. They had an apartment together where both of their girlfriends also lived with them. As i recall, I believe he lost his job somehow which led to him going out to a bar with his best friend’s girl. That led to them back at the apartment fucking. So, his career ended, he lost his best friend and his girlfriend. Not to mention he claimed he was a shitty boyfriend to her & probably wanted more control & she must not have wanted that. That’s my assumption on why he didn’t “treat her right.” So now he associates success with them, and them with success. He’s been miserable and despite what he says he’s done and going to do, I’ve seen no initiative.
At the beginning of my little infatuation period I asked him if he wanted a relationship, it was always yes. He never took action. I was an immature little girl and I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me. I thought it was me. I thought I was doing something wrong. I tried everything. Which led to me realizing that it was him. I grew up a little and i asked him what the deal was and when I saw no more initiative and his selfishness became louder to me I cut myself off from opening up to him to save me emotional stress. I just wanted to fuck him a little longer with an irrational hope that maybe he would change his mind. Then we could spend so much more time in bed.
I enjoyed every moment discussing our mutual interest for hiphop, basketball, good music, art, movies, shows, politics, video games and everything.. I wanted to sit back with him and drink OE or scotch whiskey, gamble against his friends, then passionately fuck each other until we pass out followed ideally by coffee & sex the next morning. But that’s not the key to a good relationship. I’m getting off topic.
It bothered him that I had closed myself off and he decided to express his emotions like he cared about me or something.. when i asked him what he wanted he even admitted he was a child and he didn’t want to be with me. Then he proceeded to ask me to open up to him like a selfish little child. I told him no way. The next day I told him we shouldn’t know each other anymore and that i hope he lives up to his potential soon. I’m better than waiting around.
Truth is I genuinely cared about him. He’s opened up to me. I know all of his bad habits. How he always has to be right. How he’s really a hopeless romantic. How he feels about his father and how he loves his mother. I know about his family, I know about his friends, i know his feelings and a lot about him. I know his love for women and i know his games. When you know someone like that and you still go back to them, it’s hard not to care about them.
I’ve never been held like that. I’ve never been kissed like that or fucked like that. I’ve never been touched like that. I’m addicted and i just want to be over it.
I’d like to give myself 3 months. But I’m not putting a time limit on it.
