night times

Honestly sometimes I just tell myself I’m going to spend my life in a tiny shitty apartment...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 23:47:26 -0400

Honestly sometimes I just tell myself I’m going to spend my life in a tiny shitty apartment spending my only money left from my probably downturning salon job on johnny walker blue, marlb reds and $5 cigars listening to john mayer and 90’s hiphop everyday and riding my shitty mongoose to work and having no friends which is fine.

Time

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 23:04:30 -0400

What the fuck am i doing with my life? I’m not a good artist. I’m not going to make it anywhere. I can’t spend my entire life doing hair. I don’t have money to go away to college. I don’t know what else I want to do. School bores me. I want to live near the city and have nights out. I get along only with art students. I only have a tolerance for people who’s heads aren’t up in the clouds. I’m probably going to spend my whole life figuring out what I want to be when I “grow up.”

Co-No-Worker

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 22:57:26 -0400

So rumor is going around that me and the other assistant have some sort of beef. News to me. She’s lazy and if something isn’t done right i’m going to say something and ask her to do it right before she leaves. It’s work & i don’t going around talking about how my dad passed away and i’m so upset and bla bla bla nobody would even know if i didn’t get asked about my tattoo when i wear a low cut shirt. I’m not going to sit there and baby your issues, so be a grown woman, get your work done and shut up. I’d like to know what you’ve said to the other stylists who are telling me that i have beef with you.

you could say hey how are you? good thanks how is the laundry coming.. do you need help? …. but it really goes like ….. hey i’m having a bad day today so i’m going to chat with the other stylists and leave early please forgive me i’ll work harder a different day and by the way you forgot to sweep the hair from james’ station last night.

if someone doesn’t do something correctly i will talk to them and show them how to correctly do it… but it has reached a point where i’ve begun telling the manager how much of a fuck up she is.

clearly i’m bothered. i’m a laid back person and i seriously can’t avoid her & i’m going to have to learn to deal with her.

As You Can Tell, Tumblr

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 19:13:30 -0400

I fell deeply in lust with someone I never should have gotten involved with from the beginning. I thought he was weird. I didn’t think he had anything going for him to begin with. I didn’t know what we were taking steps towards. I met his family, we had dinner.

Then he kissed me. I had never been kissed like that in my life. He left me breathless and all I wanted was more of him. I tried to stop him from taking it further regardless of how badly I wanted him. His mom offered me wine and it unfortunately happened to be really good wine and he was able to get me in bed as soon as we got up to his room. Yes, he’s 26 and lives with his mother.

He was successful after high school.. he worked at a higher end apple store in Manhattan as one of the bigger men there. He worked with his best friend. They had an apartment together where both of their girlfriends also lived with them. As i recall, I believe he lost his job somehow which led to him going out to a bar with his best friend’s girl. That led to them back at the apartment fucking. So, his career ended, he lost his best friend and his girlfriend. Not to mention he was a shitty boyfriend to her & probably wanted to control things she did & she must not have wanted to let him take that route. That’s my assumption on why he didn’t “treat her right.” So now he associates success with them, and them with success. He’s been miserable and despite what he says he’s done and going to do, I’ve seen no initiative.

At the beginning I asked him if he wanted a relationship, it was always yes. He never took action. I was an immature little girl and I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to be with me. I thought it was me. I thought I was doing something wrong. I tried everything. Which led to me realizing that it was him. I grew up a little and i asked him what the deal was and when I saw no more initiative and his selfishness became louder to me I cut myself off from opening up to him to save me emotional stress. I just wanted to fuck him a little longer and hope that maybe he would change his mind when I became distant.

It bothered him and he decided to express his emotions like he cared about me or something.. when i asked him what he wanted he even admitted he was a child and he didn’t want to be with me. Then he proceeded to ask me to open up to him like a selfish little child. I told him no way. The next day I told him we shouldn’t know each other anymore and that i hope he lives up to his potential soon.

Truth is I genuinely cared about him. He’s opened up to me. I know all of his bad habits. How he always has to be right. How he’s really a hopeless romantic. How he feels about his father and how he loves his mother. I know about his family, i know about his friends, i know his feelings and a lot about him. I know his love for women and i know his games. When you know someone like that and you still go back to them, it’s hard not to care about them.

I’ve never been held like that. I’ve never been kissed like that or fucked like that. I’ve never been touched like that. I’m addicted and i just want to be over it.

I give myself 3 months.

Lost Idiot

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 18:26:00 -0400

FOR THE RECORD

2:44am
Tuesday
do I need to smack someone for you!

11:18pm
haha hey miss

11:21pm
Why are you sad the knicks won

11:25pm
i know im haapy about that melo with 50 was awesome
i was thinking about life before when i said i was sad
so am i just likea weird occasional lover to you?
what am i to you?

11:31pm
I suppose.. I’d say I consider you a friend though… What am I to you?

11:32pm
one fo the most confusing parts of my life
of
i care about you so much more than you gave me room to
im ok with everything
its just that im drunk and had to ask
i think your such and amazing person , but sometime i think your confused or lost with what you want or should be doing
your way too good to ever give me what you do

11:39pm
Are you considering a relationship

11:40pm
i dont know what im geting at
but i do believe that what you deserve
you have kinds of changed so much since i met you
and sometimes i worry
thats your lost and making crazy decisions

11:41pm
how? give an example

11:42pm
you seem too have allllllllllllllllllllot of guy friends
you dont dess up as much as when i met you
you seem to not want to share anything with me ever
i know nothing about your life , you never tak about how your feeling

11:44pm
Why should I! You made it clear that you didn’t want things to be any more than what they were
?**
are you changing your mind

11:44pm
i didnt mean o , i remember last time when we talked like this you stopped me ans said lets just leave things how they are
to6
to^^

11:45pm
That’s how you wanted it to be

11:45pm
and that was dumb of me
no i was just dumb and went with what you said whit out pointing it out
im dumb
i just think you deserve much better
even for yourself

11:46pm
better in general or better than you?

11:46pm
both
im a fucking lost , idiot with little hope

11:47pm
so what do you want? do you want to try a relationship

11:47pm
i dont know what ant because im a fucking child
but i do know its so nice to have a real conversation with you
i do kind of wish you were here

11:49pm
if you don’t know what you want why are you telling me all this

11:49pm
because you deserve honesty
it drives me crazy to not be able to talk to you

11:51pm
why wouldn’t you be able to talk to me

11:51pm
you always just have a sarcastic answer wgen ever i ask a real question

11:53pm
call me out next time and ill change it then

11:53pm
lol
youre cute]

11:55pm
So do you want more out of our relationship or do you want to keep it how it is?

11:59pm
lol miss im so far from being able to answer that at the moment
i might have to take aride in a few
care to be picked up if i do??

11:59pm
No you’re drinking
well talk tomorrow ok

12:01am
ok
lol im not no but ok
Wednesday

3:10pm
how ya feelin

3:33pm
hey
feeling good thanks
you?

3:38pm

good lol

3:39pm
:P

3:40pm
did you want to talk more & finish our conversation

3:43pm
lol yes sure
i was just drunk and bugging out while over thinking
but what i said was still true

3:46pm
So what do you want to change

3:46pm
my pessimistic out look on everything

3:50pm
I meant with us… I never open up to you because you made it clear you didn’t want anything more than what it is & you didn’t seem to go out of your way to show me any reason why I should share anything about myself with you & if you don’t like that & you want things to change then that’s on your part

3:53pm
your completly right , you happen to have met me at a time when i had no idea what i wanted to happen with my life , and deff no clue as how to handle my llove life , so it was just easy to sit back and not care and let the cards fall where they may

3:54pm
well what do you want now do you want our situation to stay how it is or go further?

3:58pm
i just want us to start with being open and honest about things from now on

4:00pm
I’d rather just keep things how they are or not talk at all

4:00pm
???? meaning?

4:03pm
Meaning I don’t want to change things between us because I have no reason to… I’ve been straightforward with you from the beginning & I’ve never gotten anything back from you .. opening up to somebody involves a closer relationship than I think you’re willing to get to

4:04pm
whatever you want miss

4:05pm
This is the situation that you created

Thursday

8:25pm
I’ve decided that things would be better off if we stopped knowing each other, but I really do hope you live up to your potential soon.

A friend

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 23:33:36 -0400

It’s difficult for me to interact with the people I want to interact with. I’ve never liked people who aren’t better than me. I only take interest in people who I believe have more going than I do. But I’m insecure. I’m usually intimidated by those people. It usually ends up awkward. Friends are hard to come by. Especially since I’m so picky with even classifying people as a possibility once I talk to them. And unfortunately, I judge by appearance. I like certain style. It kind of has to reflect myself. I tell you it’s difficult, but i’m trying. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

Work

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 23:14:13 -0400

The new salon hasn’t been what i expected it to be. I thought I was going to begin fresh. Maybe it’s just me, but I never think anyone likes me. It’s not my distrust in people’s honesty, it’s more of my insecurity. At least that’s what I want to believe it is, but everyone seems so closed off. One of the assistants I work with is a real sweetheart & she seems like a genuine person & we always say how good of a team we are. I really like her. I like everyone and I understand everyone. Even the most bossy, loud, coping-with-too-many-issues stylist, I’ve found it in my heart to try to make the best with her. I like people who can recognize their bad habits, though. I don’t have patience for people who have their head stuck in the clouds. For the most part everyone, but three stylists are over 40 so that has a lot to do with the lack of judgement I believe is produced by them and their easy going-ness. I want to slap those three though. My attitude towards even the nicest stylists is strictly business. I trust people more than I should with personal things and it always backfires at me. I tell people things that I think wont have any effect, but somehow I always say too much. If I show any sadness or struggle with an issue i’m going to look weak and get pushed around. I’m still teaching myself how to stand up for myself. And if I don’t speak to many, just being courteous and asking the other assistants to do something over if they didn’t do it right, or to do something they “forgot” i worry i look like a bitch. And that’s what I’ve been doing. And of course if i treat people that way, that’s how i’m going to get treated back. But now it begins to bother me and I feel insecure over it. Why don’t they like me?

So how can I fix this?

The Beginning

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 22:53:00 -0400

I’m thinking about writing to you every day. I’ll free my feelings so i’m not holding them in, I’ll cry while I write, I’ll laugh while I write & I’ll share my emotions with you while I write.

Everything I’m about to share with you is everything I most likely may not have shared with anybody, ever.

I may be contradicting myself there. But I don’t think that matters & I don’t care about being judged by you.